Shyness Factor: Girl on the Outside

I think Zoey might be an elective mute.  Her swimming teacher of six weeks said she has never heard her speak.   I had seen Zoey shake her head yes or no when she was asked questions during her lesson, but had been unaware that she wasn’t speaking at all.  When I mentioned this to one of my sisters, Brittany, she told me that while she spoke at home, she was silent throughout kindergarten.  Her teacher thought she might’ve been an elective mute.  I asked if Brittany if she remembered why she didn’t talk.  She said she didn’t recall not speaking, but remembered not liking the teacher.  As a kid I knew that my sisters and I were shy, but Brittany’s year of silence hadn’t been on my radar.  It’s clear to me now that shyness runs in the family.     

Me and Kate

I met my best friend, Kate, in kindergarten and we stuck together from elementary to high school.  In elementary school, I was lost without her.   On days she was out sick I spent recesses and lunches alone.  She wasn’t sick often, but I remember how tough it was for me when she wasn’t around.  I considered her my only real friend.  While I knew other kids that lived on my street or were in my classes, I was too shy to approach them.  I distinctly recollect one day that Kate was absent.  I watched a group of girls playing hopscotch.  I was too shy to ask if I could play with them.  So, I just stood there on the outskirts of their circle, hoping they would notice me and ask me to join them, but they never did.  I think I was afraid of rejection and it’s the same fear I have today.  Why my fear of it was so great, I don’t know.  I don’t have any memories of ever putting myself out there enough to have been turned down.    

This wasn’t something I grew out of.  In junior high Kate and I expanded our group to include some girls we knew from sixth grade: Michelle, Rachel and Marisa.  We later added two others that Michelle had made friends with: Sabrina and Colleen.  When boyfriends became part of the picture, friends of the boyfriends were added to the group, as well.  Through the comings and goings of boyfriends, we girls remained friends.  While we flip flopped who we spent the most time with outside of school, this was our core group. 

Kate, me, Marisa, Rachel, Michelle Colleen & Sabrina (9th grade)

Someone once told me that people thought I was stuck up.  Whatever, they didn’t know me!  Had they ever talked to me, I would’ve talked back.  Apparently, I have a facial expression that gives people a bitchy impression of me. (A friend of mine in adulthood lovingly coined it my “Trisha Face.”) It just takes time for me to warm to people and open myself up.  I have always been terrible at small talk and starting conversations.  But, I guess there have been some exceptions to these rules.  One of them was so damn embarrassing that I still feel my cheeks redden at the memory.  I had a crush on a boy in seventh grade and for a short while it seemed like he liked me too.  We talked on the phone a couple of times.  One Sunday, shortly after our phone calls stopped, after hours of contemplating calling him, I finally gathered up the nerve to do it.  I awkwardly asked him why he no longer talked to me at school.  He said he didn’t know, but he would.  On Monday, he fell in step beside me in the halls and said, “Hi Trish.”  I was so nervous that I didn’t respond.  I just kept walking along beside him, acting like I hadn’t heard him.  Inside I was screaming at myself: “What are you doing?  He’s talking to you, just like you asked him too!  Now, you’re ignoring him?  What the hell is wrong with you?”  I could feel his eyes on me as we walked.  He must’ve thought I was a lunatic.  Eventually, he realized I wasn’t going to respond and he headed off in another direction. It made perfect sense that this was the last time he attempted to talk to me. 

Zoey and Isabel's hands

I see myself reflected in Zoey, especially regarding our shyness and this makes me sad.  When Zoey was about two, we were at a birthday party for one of her good friends, Isabel.  Of course, the birthday girl knew everyone at the party, but Zoey only knew her.  I watched Zoey follow Isabel around and stay on the outskirts of the kids she was playing with.  I flashed back to myself in elementary school and I felt a frog in my throat, remembering how I had felt. Even though Zoey was so young, I knew she was probably feeling the way I had felt.  When Zoey came to me upset, I told her to join the other kids, but she wouldn’t.  I ended up kicking a ball around with her, while making further attempts to get her to approach the group, which she never did. 

As Zoey grows older, these similar circumstances continue.  With her best interest at heart I attempt to help.  I tell her to ask the child, be it a cousin or a friend, if she can play with them.  After several tries and she still won’t ask, I ask for her.  I ask the child, “Can Zoey play with you?”  Every time the response has been a happy, “yes!”  Each time the little kid inside me jumps for joy.  I have come to realize that it’s likely that I would’ve gotten the same responses as a kid, if only I’d been brave enough to ask.  I want Zoey to feel confident enough to be able to speak up for herself.  When she starts school and begins making friends, I hope she will.  I’d love her to be aware enough to include that kid that’s kicking the ground on the outside of the circle, waiting to be invited in.  I’d like to think and hope that I’m empowering her to have different experiences than I had.  

Would I have had a better life had I not been so shy?  Would I be a different person?  Probably not. I might have had different friends or maybe more of them, but the quality of the friendships would not have been as great.  I’m happy with the tight knit group of girls I grew up with.  We’re all still friends today, though most of our communication nowadays occurs on Facebook.  I’ve had to overcome some of my shyness mostly in work situations.  I used to be a manager in retail and had no choice but to initiate conversations with both employees and customers.  I still feel timid approaching a new person on a personal level but I’m not that petrified little girl anymore.  I’ve come to realize through both asking kids to play with Zoey and asking if I can join someone a lunch that most people are welcoming and want to play or talk.  I’m proud to say that within the past few years, there have been occasions where I’ve initiated conversations and have made new friends, but it still isn’t second nature.  I wish I knew as a kid what I know now.  I’d love to help Zoey learn this in childhood and save her the torment of feeling like the girl on the outside.